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| Baby Snupie (March 2002 - May 03, 2011) |
May 04; China
Early today, I woke up even before my phone alarms in its usual 08:30 A.M. schedule. In the middle of arguing on whether to sleep again or stand up, Snup Snup came into my thought. She's ill and we're not with her.
March 2002, I was grade three then, nine years ago, Kuya Win came home from school. We were surprised and excited to see him bringing a cute little hairy puppy. Yes, Kuya Win Win is her father.
We all adored her. The heads of the house, Mapma and Mama decided to take her. We lost our grandfather a year before that and we wanted to believe that that puppy came in Lolo's relief.
We named her “Snupie,” but she's a girl which we only figured out after she already got used with it, that's why we just disregarded renaming her.
She isn't just a mere family pet. No. She grew with us, we grew with her. She witnessed all ordinary to remarkable conversations and doings under our roof. She saw people come and go. She comforted every lonely being. She protected our home.
When my sister and I moved in Manila, we brought Snup with us. We consider the three of us as “siblings” and “daughters of Mama.” And when my sister came back to Pampanga to study there, I was left in Manila, with Snupie alone.
Mama's phone rang and as she answered, I heard her scream hysterically. A shout of shock, question, and despair. I immediately stood and went to her room where I saw her crying while still on the phone. I asked her if it's about Snup, but she refused to respond and gestured that I go out.
That moment Mama screamed, I knew it was about our baby Snup.
Before we left her in Pampanga, I told her, “Baby, sandali lang kami ha, babalik din agad ang mga ate.” I cried as we said goodbye to her, we were anxious. She's not okay, and I knew that any day of this summer, she might leave us. But I told her that she needs to be okay, and I promised her that as soon as we get back from China, we'll bring her back to Manila and I'll be spending the rest of my vacation there with her. I know that'll make her better again.
Her eyes that night brought me tears. No words were uttered, but that look into her broke my heart. If there's one reason why I don't want to go, that's Snup. And I still can't forget how lonely her eyes were.
We were talking about this for days, we were getting ready. I told Mama that if something happens to Snup, it's better while she's in Pampanga, for that is where she really came from. Like to me, it is home. And being able for her to spend his last moments at home and with the whole family is better than just spending it with me in Manila.
But having the “whole” family is never enough 'cause I know that deep down, it is still her Mom and her sisters whom she needs the most.
The thought of still being away there makes me upset but coming back not seeing Snup excite as we enter the door hurts too. Not being able to live with her anymore and not having to be with her ever again is so much more painful.
We lost a family. Mama won't stop crying, so is Siz. I try to act normal. After hearing the news, no one was talking to each other at home. Silent, then tears. We tried absorbing it.
They may say that Snup chose to not let us see her suffer, but it's not about us. It's about her. And I am willing to see her struggle just to be beside her, just to let her feel that we believe in her, that we are there to comfort her at her toughest. I'll take all the pain of seeing her dying just to let her feel our love for her until her last breath.
It's too late :'(
I can't imagine what you went through Snup and I don't think I will take knowing it exactly. If we only came earlier... If only we were there to hug and kiss you... If only for the last time you were with your mommy and ate's... Unending if-only's eat my thoughts. IF ONLY...
Snup, I know you're so much well now, that you no longer feel any pain. You are now with Kuya Win, your daddy. Together with Mapma and Lolo, you're gonna be okay there. Ahaha, I remember Soulmate loves you so much too, you'll never get bored there baby. I believe that animals go to the same heaven as to where humans do.
Snup, I'm sorry sa mga oras na naiiwan kang mag-isa, thanks for your patience, you never ran out of reasons to understand. I'm sorry wala ang ate. I'm sorry baby... Mahal na mahal na mahal kita. Mahal na mahal ka namin. I hope that you remembered that before you slept peacefully. Paano na ko makakatulog evey night niyan? Wala ng maglalambing sa'kin, wala ng magtatanggal ng stress ko. Gusto man kitang tanungin kung bakit di mo kami nahintay, wala na kong magagawa. I'm sorry kung hirap na hirap kaming tanggapin. I love you Baby Snupie. You're one of the Bingcang's. You know I love you and I'm missing you so so so so much. Rest In Peace Our Baby...
*Hug me in my dreams, please...”
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| Tres Marias |
May 06; Philippines
Baby Snuuuuuuuuup.. I know these candles won't take you back.. :'(
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